To know and to be known

Psalm 139 is a familiar passage to many. It comes to mind when a woman is carrying a new life inside of her, as a reminder that God is at work, knitting that new life together in her womb. These are verses to stand on when we need a reminder that God doesn't make junk - His creations are "fearfully and wonderfully made." There is also much comfort found in this chapter as it offers the assurance that no matter where we go, God is there. Beautiful words, indeed. Lately, this passage has taken on a different meaning for me, one that convicts more than it comforts. Let me explain my thoughts:



O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.



God knows it all -- the good, the bad, the ugly. It is often easy for us to hide the bad and ugly from each other - so easy, in fact, that sometimes we forget that it's not hidden from God. David knew this:



If I say, "surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"

even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as day;

for darkness is as light with you.



God knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I do, and he knows why I do it. Beyond that, He knows the implications of all I do and don't do, and how my words, thoughts, and actions influence my relationships with Him and others. HE KNOWS... and he always has:



... in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.



I ponder all of this and am keenly aware of my sinful nature, of how often I am disobedient, untrusting. For a moment, I am ashamed, embarrassed, painfully aware of my distance from this perfect, holy God. But then I remember those two words: HE KNOWS, and I believe He will be gracious enough to share what He knows. David's final words in this chapter have become my plea:



Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!



If left to my own devices, I would be on the way to destruction. But God is gracious and has not abandoned me here: he reveals to me, little by little, that which He knows so well, and uses that knowledge to direct my path.

Am I bearing the burden?

The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor’s glory should be laid on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship… And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner – no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses… in him also Christ vere latitat – the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden. - CS Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"

Every summer, the vast majority of my time, energy, and prayers are devoted to sixteen people. Most of these people were unknown to me prior to the summer, and there's never a guarantee as to what our relationships will look like after the summer. Nonetheless, this little flock quickly becomes "mine," and their success and growth in Christ become my top priorities. I am always on the lookout for ways to encourage and help, I seek the strength and patience that will enable me to lead them in a loving way - even when love does not come so easily, and their needs are the constant focus of my prayers. I strive to make Paul's words my own, that I would "most gladly spend and be spent for [their] soul[s]" (2 Corinthians 12:15).

I wish that I could honestly say the same were true of my efforts to love my family, my friends, and those I encounter on a regular basis. Do I look for ways to encourage and help? Do I pray for strength and patience that I might truly be long-suffering over the years, or do I simply distance myself when love becomes costly? Do I pray for these people who are so important to me, and do I make myself available for God to use me as an answer to those prayers? Can I honestly say that I will gladly spend and be spent for their souls, or have I become a relational tightwad?

I am not satisfied with my own answers to these questions.