In this posture let me live

Dear Reader: I wrote the following a couple of weeks ago. The feelings expressed here - especially those of discouragement - are not necessarily the feelings I have today. Since my conclusion remains the same, I post this in spite of evolving emotions, with a promise to write more as I continue to reflect and as God's will continues to unfold through his daily provision.

Anyone who has talked to me in the past month or two knows that our search for YouthWorks housing in New Orleans has consumed much of my time, my thought, my energy, and my travel this spring. Dozens of people – both friends and strangers – have helped in the search. I can say without hesitation that hundreds of people have prayed that God would lead us to the right place.

From the time I realized the challenge it would be to find suitable (not to mention affordable) housing in a city that is drawing its livelihood from hosting volunteer groups, I found myself confidently telling people, “God knows how this ends! He has something in mind for us.” These words became my theme, but there were frequent days on which I found my faith lacking. While I spoke these words to the masses, my constant cry to my Father was “Help my unbelief.”

As word of our need spread and more and more people jumped on our prayer bandwagon, my hope was bolstered: not only my hope for the Lord’s provision of housing, but my hope for his glory being revealed to and exalted by many. I envisioned stumbling upon the perfect site, even began composing celebratory e-mails in my head. I wondered how we would ever reach all of the people who had been praying to tell them of how the Lord had answered. My prayer became, “Lord, let your glory be revealed!” With such a large captive audience, why wouldn’t He want to show off by providing for us in abundance?

But now, a decision has to be made. The Lord has indeed provided us with an option, but it is less than what we would have imagined or hoped for. I find myself disheartened, feeling a sense of resignation in entering a partnership that will no doubt make this summer a challenge. I wonder why the Lord would do things this way. He has provided, yes, and for that I praise him; but why, in this instance, would he not employ his infinite power and gracious generosity to give us more?

Perhaps he is calling all of us to a deeper faith. Perhaps he is inviting us to praise him even when we are left wanting. Perhaps he is delaying the display of his power and glory; perhaps it will be revealed even in the midst of challenges this summer. Perhaps we must glorify Him now for who he IS, not for what he does or what he gives.

Jesus cast a look on me
Give me sweet simplicity
Make me poor and keep me low
Seeking only thee to know

All that feeds my busy pride
Cast it evermore aside
Bid my will to Thine submit
Lay me humbly at thy feet

Make me like a little child
Of my strength and wisdom spoiled
Seeking only in Thy light
Walking only in Thy might

Leaning on Thy loving breast
Where a weary soul can rest
Feeling well the peace of God
Flowing from His precious blood

In this posture let me live
And hosannas daily give
In this temper let me die
And hosannas ever cry

- John Berridge (1716-1793)

Meeting the crowd on the shore

John the Baptist had just been killed. Jesus needed to get away and be by himself, yet the crowds pursued him. They were there waiting for him when he came ashore, "and he had compassion on them and healed their sick" (Matthew 14:13-14).

A timely reminder as I embark on another summer as a YouthWorks Area Director. I know there will be times when I want and need to get away. I know that there will be crowds waiting - if not in person, at least on the phone - when I return. I pray that I will not meet them with frustration or impatience, but with compassion and willingness to do the tasks for which God has equipped me.

"Our Perplexing Trials"

I am reading J.I. Packer's book Knowing God. It is proving to be excellent pre-summer reading, reinforcing much of what I've been coming to understand about God over the past few years, illuminating some new themes and ideas, helping me to delve deeper into Scripture, and frequently helping me to approach situations that arise on a daily basis in a more clear-minded and God-centered way. The following words, from a section entitled "Our Perplexing Trials", ring especially true as we continue to wait on God's provision for housing for our New Orleans YouthWorks site:

Perhaps he means to strengthen us in patience, good humor, compassion, humility or meekness, by giving us some extra practice in exercising these graces under especially difficult conditions. Perhaps he has new lessons in self-denial and self-distrust to teach us. Perhaps he wishes to break us of complacency, or unreality, or undetected forms of pride or conceit. Perhaps his purpose is simply to draw us closer to himself in conscious communion with him; for it is often the case, as all the saints know, that fellowship with the Father and the Son is most vivid and sweet, and Christian joy the greatest, when the cross is heaviest. Or perhaps God is preparing us for forms of service of which at present we have no inkling...

But how are we to meet these baffling and trying situations, if we cannot for the moment see God's purpose in them? First, by taking them as from God, and asking ourselves what reactions to them, and in them, the gospel of God requires of us; second, by seeking God's face specifically about them.

Lord, I don't want to pretend as if waiting on housing in New Orleans is the greatest trial I will ever endure - far from it, I'm sure. Nonetheless, I thank you for strengthening me through this process, for constantly teaching me new lessons in self-distrust, and for drawing me into deeper communion with and dependence on you. This is indeed vivid and sweet fellowship.