* Dear readers - please take time to read the comments on this post.
Last weekend, I flew up to Milwaukee for my cousin Ryan's wedding. It was the first family wedding we'd had in years, and the first one I'd been to in even longer, so it was an exciting occasion.
Time spent with my family inevitably brings up a great deal of introspection. Time spent with my family at a wedding increases the amount of introspection and deep thinking ten-fold.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... I Corinthians 13:4-8
This ever-popular passage was one that Ryan and Becky chose to have read as they sat before the altar. I listened to the words with a heavy heart, especially as I heard "Love never fails". Here I sat, surrounded by the products of failed love. Everyone I knew at the wedding was either a child or at least a grandchild of divorce. Clearly, love had failed in many cases here. My parents, my grandparents, some of my aunts and uncles had at one time stood at an altar much like this one. Some of them may have heard these same words from Paul read by a friend or family member. They spoke the same vows that Ryan and Becky would - they promised to love. Yet somewhere along the line, promises were broken, and it would seem that love had indeed failed.
My internal monologue as the ceremony progressed went something like this:
Love never fails? But it does! Look around! Clearly, love fails. I mean, obviously, sometimes it doesn't - this family is certainly a testament to that as well - but sometimes love fails. How can Paul say never? But if love can fail, what good is it? And what about the fact that God is love? God can never fail. Hence, love can never fail... but then it does. This doesn't make sense!
My mind continued to race, shaken, troubled. If love could fail... I was too scared to finish that thought.
Ok, for a moment, let's just believe that Paul is right: love never fails. Then how do we explain the pain in my family, the wounds of divorce, the scars of broken relationships?
Perhaps we fail to love.
Maybe we, in our frail humanity, mess up this whole "love" thing, thus messing up relationships that are supposed to be rooted, supported, sustained by love.
The words "I love you" are probably three of the most complex words in the English language. At times, I think I've used them too sparingly. There have also been occasions when I've used them too liberally. More often than I'd like to admit, I'm used them inaccurately - perhaps even dishonestly. I should have said "I want to love you," or maybe "I'm trying to love you," or even "You're making me want to rip my hair out right now" (though in that instance I suppose the best bet would have been to say nothing at all).
When I say "I love you," I should be saying.
I am patient with you
I am kind to you
I do not envy what you have, nor do I envy others for their relationships with you
I am not proud or boastful
I am not easily angered with you
I've let go of anything you've ever done to hurt me
I do not delight in evil or hurtful things, but will rejoice when truth is spoken - even hard words.
I strive to protect our relationship
I trust you, and you can trust me
I hope for the best for you
I am here and will continue to be here, no matter what comes
I won't mess this up.
After all of that, I may never say "I love you" again, because I don't know of anyone in my life - even the people I care about the most - to whom I could truthfully say all of those things, or for whom they would be true all of the time. I certainly aspire to this kind of love, and wonder where it can be found. Where can it be found? Only in God, for God is love. God is the one who enables us to love and shows us how it's done, and he is the one who will strengthen us to love even when our flesh and heart fail to do so. He is also the one who redeems our failures, and offers the grace needed to reconcile us to himself and each other when we do fail to love.
I hope the people I love know how much I love them, whether or not I say it. I hope that my actions never make me into a liar when I do say "I love you". I hope that love might triumph, even if I fail. I pray that, as 1 John 4:16 says, I would abide in love, and in so doing abide in God, so that he may abide in me.
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3 comments:
Wise words. I hope to love you the best I can always. I so enjoy your posts. i am glad I have some time off today to dwell in your thoughts. :)
My darling niece, I admit to being curious what your writings would reflect after our past family weekend together and what thoughts you may want to share. Although I don't say it or show it enough, know that I love you and that I know you love all of us…and that it shows. In our family, I noticed that love also means regardless of our last time together, we rejoice in the present time because we don’t know when it will come again….and sometimes that rejoicing is expressed in really silly dancing!
I think Paul was right when he said, ‘….love never fails’ but I do know that often it is we humans that fail IT. We fail to trust, to believe and to remember how important things like respect, communication and selflessness are….to love and to relationships. We may enter relationships for the wrong reasons and not trust ourselves to make better decisions. We may not trust others enough to share our concerns and struggles within that relationship and then continue to make wrong decisions as a result. Although I am truly sorry that you and your cousins have so many examples of these in front of you, I know that you can learn from this in your own lives…and relationships. When your Uncle Carl and I were married we received what we today feel is the best advice we could have gotten: put your spouse ahead of you in the relationship. At first thought, it gave me pause: put HIM ahead of ME? But I came to realize that if we BOTH put each other first….in our thoughts, our decisions, our needs and our wants; then we would truly be looking out for each other. I think your great grandparents Joe and Hildred Hefter, who were married for almost 70 years prior to Grandma’s passing, may have been true examples of this!
I love you honey and Happy Birthday!
Aunt Carrol, I am so thankful for your comment here. You are so right about one of the many ways that love is expressed and celebrated in our family - like there's no tomorrow! I have also said, time and time again (though probably not to the most important people), that our family is one of the places where I've learned the most about what unconditional love really looks like.
I am grateful for the lessons I've learned through our family's hard times, and grateful as well for the examples of positive, healthy, enduring relationships of all sorts.
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